Cardinal and Phoenix

Finding Hope and Beauty in the Mess of Life

While I could start this introduction at the very beginning of my life, like a lot of people would, I actually feel that isn’t where my life really started. Sure, I officially started living about 35 years ago on the day I was born and a lot of life has happened between then and now, but if I honestly think about it I wasn’t really living. I was alive and life was going on, but I wasn’t living. I didn’t know who I was or where I belonged. Even as a child I don’t remember feeling encouraged to find out who I was. It was about 10 years ago that I started to let myself feel the impact of just having life happen and never really facing any of it. I met a group of women; who I would have NEVER chosen as friends and they pulled me in and haven’t let go. That is where my life started. Things didn’t become perfect or healed with this start of life, but it got the ball rolling. I began to learn about friendship more fully and trust a little more (very little at times-I’m pretty damn stubborn). These new friends taught me that you don’t run when things get hard and that you don’t have to fit in a certain box to be accepted. The first time anyone cried for me and things I had experienced happened with this group. I was loved and accepted, mess and all. There was no hiding with them; so obviously I tried even harder to hide. Surely they would be done with me soon enough. Ten years later and they still haven’t gotten rid of me. Even after everyone moved to different states for a few years it still wasn’t the end. We now all live in the same state again! Five years ago I left Florida and moved to Virginia to live with two of these women and that is when the story of healing starts. Looking back I can see small instances of healing that I missed then. Each bit leading to something much bigger. It’s funny how that works, isn’t it? Something so small goes completely unnoticed and then suddenly you realize that without the small things happening you wouldn’t be where you are. We really can’t discount the small. Let people point out the small things (victories & growth points) because we usually miss them and they DO add up. (That was just a little rabbit trail of encouragement ;)) Most of my life I hid behind things so that I didn’t have to face my own pain. If it would start to bubble up I would lead another small group or think about people I knew who had “worse” happen to them or fall into addictive/self destructive patterns. Whatever made it go away. I got so good at pushing it down that I stopped knowing what was really true or “normal” in life. I remember the first time a friend (in this group of course) mentioned that I had trauma in my life and how shocked I was. Me?! No way! Everything that ever happened either was my fault or not even a big deal and definitely not in the trauma category! So when I finally moved to Virginia and started to face things I was wrecked! My life was turned upside down and I couldn’t find the ground. The past five years have been rough, but specifically the past two years have been the worst; excruciating really.-More to come on that.- I have stopped saying that things can’t get more painful because low and behold they do. I am in the midst of figuring out who I am, who God is and everything in between. I am learning what truth is and what healing looks like. I was taught for so long in church that all healing happened at the cross so for years all of the brokenness I felt I chalked up to me just not having enough faith or maybe I hadn’t been “saved” the right way. Now I know that healing doesn’t happen all at once. It is not complete while we are alive. There is always something more to explore and be curious about within our stories. Always another layer to uncover. This sounds frustrating, right? ALWAYS SOMETHING ELSE?! No break??? It is frustrating for sure! But I try and find relief in it too. This means that all these years I haven’t just been inherently flawed or didn’t have enough faith. Or that God had just forgotten about me and moved on. It means, I am human. Was I healed at the cross? Yes. Am I walking out and experiencing that healing now? Yes. Will I experience healing when I see Jesus? Yes. It is all of it. The Bible is full of paradox. We want a cut and dry answer and often there isn’t one. It is not a this or that answer. It is an AND. That small, three letter word can cause a lot of tension in our lives because we want it now. But just like the kingdom came with Jesus, is here now and will be here in all its fullness; healing happened, is happening and will be completed. So this may not be a normal introduction, but it is mine. You will hear more about the other 25 years as we go on. Because those years were and are very important to who I am and who I will be, but this seemed like a good place to start. My name is Megan, BTW 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: